Keeping Your Eye On Reality While Being Consumed With Reality TV

Let's be real here, we all love those ridiculously awesome reality TV shows.  Somehow shows like the Bachelor seem to suck me in and take over my life.  I feel personally attacked when my favorite girl doesn't receive a rose.  Or worse, I start feeling bitter when the supposedly intelligent, gathered bachelor gives a rose to the girl that is clearly not right for him (trust me, I can judge these things based on an hour long TV segment).  No matter what I say to try and convince myself otherwise, I have to face up to the fact that this is more than likely a little unhealthy.  Therefore, I have created a list of guidelines to follow when investing a chunk of your life in a reality TV show.    

1) Don't be afraid to say things like "this is utterly ridiculous" or "I can't believe I'm watching this."  While you may feel like you are betraying your true feelings, it is important to keep a certain perspective.  This will also help you to remember that what you are watching is, in fact, somewhat ridiculous.  Admitting it will allow you to enjoy the show on an entirely new maturity level.  Once you have mastered this, you will be able to think to yourself, "Yes, this is ridiculous, but unlike everyone else, I know that what I'm watching is absurd.  I can laugh at the incredibly dramatic scenes unfolding on the TV screen in front of me."  Even if you don't wholeheartedly agree with what you say, you are still moving in the right direction.

2) Don't be fooled by the title of the genre of the show.  Reality TV does not equal normal, human reality.  Yes, the show is someone's reality, but that doesn't make it realistic.  If it did, we would all be wandering around in formal dresses trying to figure out who was most compatible with the one guy in the world.  This is not reality.  I sincerely hope that I'm not wrong on this one.

3) Choose your location wisely when discussing the show with fellow aficionados.  Job interview: bad.  Hanging out in your room or eating a casual dinner: totally fine.

4) Always, always, always choose multiple favorites.  For example, never choose only one girl that you like on the Bachelor.  This will almost certainly end in heartbreak.  Best to have a few favorites and remain fairly neutral with the rest.  

5) If your thoughts are consumed with the show more than 12 hours after you watch it, you should probably take a hiatus from your normal viewing schedule.  And by hiatus I mean more of a permanent ending.

6) Viewing time is crucial.  Best case scenario: you watch it as it is airing on TV.  This, however, can be very challenging to fit into your schedule.  Try to watch the show as close to the airtime as possible in order to avoid hearing about how it ended from those who have already watched it.  There is nothing worse than knowing who isn't going to receive that coveted rose before you actually see it with your own eyes (and I use the term "nothing" very loosely there).  

*Note: if you are moving around important things in order to fit the show into your schedule, it's probably time to consider putting an end to your reality TV obsession.

7) Always find a group of friends to watch the show with.  Even if the show isn't high in the quality department (and it probably isn't), it can act as a great medium for building friendships that will last a lifetime.  A word of caution: be wise when choosing your viewing buddies.  Some will take the show much more (or less) seriously than you do.  When in doubt, err on the side of choosing those that take it less seriously than you.  They will keep you grounded and will help you to keep your eye on the true reality.

8) NEVER let the show interfere with outside quality bonding time.  This may be confusing after reading #7, but stick with me on this one.  Yes, the show itself can act as a time for bonding; however, if you get an offer to do something cool or to hang out with someone cool instead of watching the show, take it!  Never pass up an opportunity to deepen a relationship with a real person so that you can invest more time in getting to know your "reality friends" who may or may not be around on the show next week.

In the end, reality TV shows like the Bachelor can provide for some fun conversations and overall good times.  If managed properly, they are great for blocking out reality (ironic...) and for a few good laughs.  The moral of the guidelines: don't let them consume your life.  Your emotional well-being depends on it.

Your Guide to an Awesome Vegas Experience

Las Vegas: the place where dreams come true.  ish.  If your dream is to pose by wax figures of famous people, ride on moving sidewalks that go up and down hills, and pretend like you are in every different corner of the world in one night, then Vegas is your place.  Some may find LV to be a bit overwhelming and difficult to navigate; however, have no fear.  In three short minutes you will be very well educated and will be ready to face the Strip with minimal amounts of fear.

A few things to keep in mind:

1) Here is a very important phrase that you MUST memorize: Free is the Key.  Conveniently, it rhymes (thus aiding in your memorization).  In an attempt to rope people into casinos, Vegas offers a plethora of free things in which to participate.  If you are going with a group, have each member bring a small list of free things to do.  This will add a bit of surprise and spontaneity to the mix.

2) Consider your food choices.  McDonalds may very well become your BFF.  The dollar menu is difficult to beat, particularly the (refillable) soft drink.  In addition, block out a period of time in which you can hit up one of the (in)famous Las Vegas buffets.  Be careful on this one - don't get pulled into one of the fancy, expensive buffets.  The more time you block out for this endeavor, the better.  If you can stay for multiple meals, that is ideal.  Finally, bring snacks!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with slipping your favorite sandwich slash vegetables into your bag for consumption later on in the day.

3) Pictures, pictures, pictures.  It is very important to document each and every adventure you have in Vegas.  Chances are very high that you will encounter things there that you will not ever come across in future activities.  Documentation is key to proving that you did, in fact, hang out with the Blue Man Group or witness a "family friendly" pirate show.  If you are feeling especially awesome, bring along a compact tripod so as to capture photos of your whole group.  Finally, try to make it clear when you want to take pictures of the scenery, and not the people you are with.  Trust me, this will save you some awkwardness.

4) The Buddy System is always advisable.  While this is just a general life policy, it carries double importance when walking the Strip.  While most people are harmless, having a buddy around will lend the appropriate moral support needed to brave the crowds of people attempting to give you their "business cards."

5) Here is a tip that you will want to pay close attention to: parking is free at the hotels on the Strip.  Yes, that's right - FREE.  Refer to #1.  As you already know, if something is free, you must take advantage of it.  The entire Strip is roughly three miles long; meaning that in any given day you could easily walk the equivalent of 117 football fields.  Parking at a central location on the Strip is generally a great idea.

6) Pay very close attention to cab fares.  1/12 of a mile could easily be mistaken for 1/2 of a mile, which would increase the cost of your short ride exponentially.

7) Coupons are great.  An important lesson here: use discretion when seeking out coupons.  They are EVERYWHERE, but few are worth picking up off the curb.  Free ice cream and $5 off of a meal at Denny's are among those worthy of coupon hunting.

8) Embrace the free activities you do.  To be real, there will likely be events which do not quite measure up to your expectations.  It is important to remember, however, that the things you are doing are FREE.  In the end, free is free.  And free is awesome.  

9) Awkward moments are totally fine.  Own them.

There are many more specific lessons to be learned from the lovely Las Vegas, but these are the basics.  Above all, find a great group of people to explore with and be sure to document each and every free thing you will do.  You won't regret it in the end.

Things Everyone Should Learn

There are a number of things in life that are essential to learn.  The sooner these things are mastered, the better.

1) Spelling.  More specifically, understanding the differences between their, there, and they're and your and you're.  Here is a crash course: their refers to a group of people, there refers to a location, and they're is simply the shortened form of "they are."  Your refers to someone you are talking to, and you're is ONLY used when combining the words "you" and "are."  Done.

2) The art of planning.  This does not necessarily mean that one must know how to plan, but when.  It is important to realize that not everything must be planned.  In fact, there are numerous times in which spontaneity is much better than strict planning.  These times include things like road trips, late night adventures, and beach days.  Practice is key to this principle.  The more you work on planning vs. spontaneity, the better you will be at discerning when to do each.  

3) Telling time on a clock that has hands.  Digital clocks, while helpful, have essentially acted as a crutch to many youth today.  You never know when you will be in a room that has only a clock with hands, and it can be quite embarrassing if someone asks you the time and you have to spend a solid 8 seconds studying the clock before you can answer with certainty.  Much better to just take the time to perfect the art of telling time.

4) Appreciating silence.  At times it may seem that there is a very fine line between silence and awkwardness.  To this, I say embrace the silence.  Silence is golden.  Gold is valuable.  Therefore, according to the transitive property, silence is valuable.  Something is only awkward if you act awkward about it.  I cannot stress this point strongly enough.  If you know that you are an awkward person in general, do not dwell on it.  Accept it and move on.

5) Driving stick shift.  I realize that this one may cause some controversy, but I strongly believe that learning to drive a manual car is essential for life.  One never knows when a situation will arise in which there is an emergency that requires driving and the only car available is a stick shift.  Yes, this may seem like an incredibly unlikely scenario, but believe me when I say that anything is possible.

6) Correct usage of leggings.  Ladies, this one is aimed at you.  If you are a guy (but if we're being honest here, the chances of a guy actually reading this are quite slim), then the policy is simple: don't wear leggings.  Girls, leggings are meant to be worn under something.  Only wear leggings with something that you would also wear without them.  This sentence may be a tad confusing, so let me illustrate with an example.  If you are pairing your leggings with a skirt, you should also feel comfortable wearing that skirt without the leggings.  If you are wearing the leggings with nothing, then you better be darn comfortable wandering around with nothing on at all.  I personally learned this policy from an incredibly reputable source, so it is sound.  

7) Apostrophe usage.  While related to #1, this policy deserves its own spot because it is quite important.  Only use an apostrophe in a word that is a contraction (apostrophe is placed where the letters are missing), or in a word that is showing possession.  If something is plural, it does not need an apostrophe.  Just slap that "s" on the end and call it good.  *Discerning between its and it's is often a trouble spot.  Just keep this in mind: it's is only used in places where one wants to say it is.  Otherwise, stick with its.

These things will increase the quality of your life exponentially.  While most may seem insignificant, all are policies that will increase your overall happiness and joy in life.

LA Airport: 24 Hour Marathon

Indeed, the rumors are true.  The LA airport attempts to swallow its passengers whole.  As I am currently fighting an infamous "LAX Disappearance", I feel it is my duty to share the experience.  Perhaps some can learn from my adventures.

Here are a few good ideas slash rules of thumb to follow when traveling via flight:

1) ALWAYS pack snacks.  Meals would be even better, but I certainly understand the necessity of packing lightly.  Thus, snacks will do.  This will help you to avoid spending over $10 at McDonalds on just a few items.  This will also help you to retain your energy, so as not to look like a starved, crazed lunatic as you inhale your $10 worth of McDonalds in under three minutes.

2) Never bring a bag that does not have some kind of device to aid with walking.  Wheels are ideal; the 360 degree swivel wheels even better.  If one is still stuck in the days of the caveman (as I seem to be) and is using a duffel bag, MAKE SURE that your duffel has a shoulder strap.  This will help the traveler to avoid blistering those hands that are so needed for dialing the phone in a mad attempt to get ahold of a friend/family member/distant acquaintance to come and get you if you are stranded in LA.

3) Always remember to bring your phone and laptop chargers.  This also implies bringing your cell phone and your laptop.  These two items will be vital in retaining any sense of sanity in your 24 hour attempt to keep your head above the dangerous waters of LAX.  

4) Never take the word of just a single airline representative.  It is helpful to get the opinion of four or five on any single issue.  Some representatives are new, some are tired, and some are just plain bored.  

5) Always keep your ears open when searching for a flight.  Listen to every conversation going on around you, and pay especially close attention to any exchange of information that goes on between a fellow traveler and an airline rep.

6) Find a particularly nice rep and become friends with him or her.  Granted, you will have to do this a total of three times as the reps change shifts in your 24 hour marathon, but sometimes you get lucky and your rep-friend from your first segment will return on your third one.  Having an ally is incredibly helpful in your journey through the airport, especially when trying to get onto an overbooked flight.

7) Location, location, location.  All airport seating may SEEM the same, but do not be deceived by the black leather(ish) benches.  An ideal location will include a WORKING wall socket (refer to rule #3), will have a bench that sits against a wall (that way nobody can sit back-to-back with you, so you are free to stretch and lean back), and will have four consecutive seats without arm rests.  Now, this arm rest-free bench may seem like an impossible novelty, but stay strong!  Stick it out and search for those few ideal sleeping benches.  It will be worth it in the end!

8) Always have some kind of scarf/jacket with you.  This will serve as an ideal pillow to lay your weary head upon.  

9) Try to stick around the moderately crowded terminals.  This way, it will appear that you are waiting for a specific flight that could potentially be leaving soon.  When your faux flight boards, publicly pay specific attention when the standby list is called.  When your name is not called, act fairly disappointed (but watch yourself here-an overreaction will draw unnecessary attention to yourself and will cause difficulty in any further attempts).  Then, casually gather your belongings and hop to a nearby gate to repeat the process.  As a bonus, hanging around these moderately crowded terminals also generally means that you are close to food, stores, and bathrooms.

10) Manage your time!  Do not do anything the easy way.  You have a full 24 hours to complete a few tasks (all of which are made up to make you feel productive).  Utilize every hour!  Instead of briskly walking to different locations, set a slow pace for yourself.  Frequent stops to tie your shoes, readjust your bags, or pretend to intently read the "arrivals and departures" information on the screens are all very useful tools to achieve this goal.

In the end, all of these combined will greatly enhance your 24 hour journey.  The most important thing, however, is to find a friend that is willing to text/instant message you frequently throughout the 24 hours.  Do this, and you will surely make it out of LAX alive.